I Heart Northwest Airlines

A tale of ineptitude, fat people, perseverance, American capitals, stupidity, low-cut tops, and neglect of basic operations management principles.

Memphis, Wednesday
6:36 PM Twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes beforehand, check in for Thursday flight. Countdown to being home begins.

Thursday
4:30 PM Happily cruise out of the client parking lot destined for the airport in a sassy white Chevy Malibu. FAA web site says there is a 2.5 hour delay to LGA, but trusty Northwest Airlines (NWA) says the flight is on-time.

5:30 PM Pass through airport security after traditional fill-up at ghetto gas station, return of car to the repulsive blond ponytail man working at National Car Rental, and shuttle to the departure level.

5:35 PM Purchase disgusting salad at Coffee Beanery establishment. Clearly a misinterpretation of the famous gorgonzola and pear salad, the mixture of feta, two tiny pear wedges, wilted iceberg lettuce, and dried cranberries distinctly does not hit the spot.

5:36 PM Trusty NWA says the flight is on time. Kick back in the last available chair in the Executive Lounge, giving Shawn, the bitchy front desk attendant, a nasty glare.

5:45 PM Trusty NWA says the flight is on time.

6:00 PM Trusty NWA says the flight is on time. Begin walking. Lounge is located at gate 2. Flight is departing from gate 42.

8:00 PM Trusty NWA announces that the flight is cancelled due to weather. On hold with AmEx Travel for 20 minutes. Book direct flight for following afternoon at 2:35 PM. Make frantic series of calls to cancel Friday appointments in Manhattan, find a hotel room, arrange transportation to the hotel, and notify family in Memphis that it is time to party.

8:30 PM Check in to same hotel had checked out of in the morning, snag cookie and bottle of water from Executive Lounge, and crash with TV and the lights on, missing calls from family members interested in partying and from colleague.

Friday
6:30 AM Get up early, waiting for phone call from colleague. Out of toothpaste.

10:30 AM Eat biscuits and milk gravy breakfast with Mom

12:00 PM Work. Check FAA web site. LGA shut down again. Check NWA website. New flight cancelled. Flight only available on Saturday afternoon.

12:01 PM Make frantic call to AmEx. Request re-route to Philly via Detroit. In ONE HOUR. Run downstairs and grab taxi to airport.

12:35 PM Snooty NWA agent pretends that she does not understand computer system. Call AmEx again. Given boarding passes for rows 26 and 27, out of spite.

12:55 PM Busted with not one knife, not two knives, but a full set of knives in carry on bag. Somehow that slipped through the X-ray machine (and mind) the day before. Low-cut top and Southern accent allow all five knives to remain in carry on bag for flights.

1:15 PM Request new seat assignment at gate. Board flight for Detroit. Wedged between Fat and Fatter in emergency exit row. Attempt to contain rowmates’ rolls by putting armrests down. Fat offers ride to Buffalo, NY. Imagine body hacked to bits and lying by the roadside. Politely decline.

1:55 PM Take off 35 min. late. (Detroit layover 40 min.)

Detroit
4:45 PM Arrive in Eastern time zone. Walk across to Philadelphia departure date. Good to go.

4:50 PM Board flight. Wedged between Elmer Fudd and Rapper Man in row 24. Elmer explains inconvenience of doing tank exercises in lightning storms. Rapper focuses on holding up oversized pants. Australian man offers ride to Manhattan. Imagine body hacked to bits and lying by the roadside. Politely decline. Note to self: Low-cut top really works.

5:00 PM Call New York friends. Happy hour already begun. Hear festivities in the background. Become very, very bitter.

5:20 PM Unruly drunk woman forcefully removed from plane (row 26).

5:50 PM Takeoff

Philadelphia
7:00 PM One step closer to home. Fight strong urge to take detour past Pat’s Cheesesteaks, or take Chinatown bus to increase camp factor of ridiculous travel story. Resist.

7:35 PM Purchase Amtrak ticket and McDonalds value meal.

8:00 PM On the way to New York. Focus on Big Mac rather than Boathouse Row.

9:03 PM Glimpse top of Empire State Building on Horizon.

10:00 PM Arrive home: 2 days, 13 hours of travel, two planes, three taxis, and a train later.