Friday, December 29, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Wishing You Happy Holidays!
Click the photo to enlarge; see the year in all its materialistic glory...
Year in review legend:
- The Chevy Malibu, Preferred Rental of the Year
- It took many Starbucks coffees to get where I am today (about 500, or $1750 worth, to be exact)
- Time in apartment spent cleaning mostly empty apartment = 25%
- Food delivery (why go outside?)
- Microsoft Excel, the tool of champions
- Microsoft Power Point, (ditto)
- Traveling fuzzy slippers - the best $18 I ever spent
- Down with the Memphis Hilton
- The Darth Vader office tower
- My favorite airline when given no choice whatsoever
- The force behind it all
- Was it worth it? (No)
- Cheapo retailer of choice for client-city retail therapy
- Ah, the life of a consultant
- Preferred reading 2005: Le Monde Diplomatique. Preferred reading 2006: Wall Street Journal
- I did not have any time to interact with people, but I spent quality time with my laptop
- Handle no longer operational
- On the rare occasion that I do see New York, it is usually after dark
- I wonder where I am headed in 2007...
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
You Know You Need New Luggage When...
...your "vintage" suitcase and roller bag are now selling on E-bay for $14 each
What Is Unforgivable?
a) Dating Jennifer Lopez
b) Another celebrity-inspired fragrance
c) "The 'P.' getting between [you] and [your] fans"
d) Believing you could be taken seriously with the word "Diddy" in your moniker
e) All of the above
Those marketing people are finally on to something!
Click for more about a-d: Sean John a.k.a. P. Diddy, Diddy, Puff Daddy, Sean Combs, etc.
b) Another celebrity-inspired fragrance
c) "The 'P.' getting between [you] and [your] fans"
d) Believing you could be taken seriously with the word "Diddy" in your moniker
e) All of the above
Those marketing people are finally on to something!
Click for more about a-d: Sean John a.k.a. P. Diddy, Diddy, Puff Daddy, Sean Combs, etc.
Starbucks Drive-Thru Lineup
Every morning at 8:30 AM there is a significant backup in the Starbucks drive-thru line. This morning, it was particularly amusing, as well as apt:
Car #1: Shiny black, beautiful Porsche 911
Car #2: Shiny black Nissan 350Z, complete with sleazy-looking driver who gazed into his rear-view mirror, and a license plate saying "RDINHIGH"
Car #3: Shiny black Chevy Malibu
I bet you can guess which one is this week's Mochemobile...
What have I come to?
Car #1: Shiny black, beautiful Porsche 911
Car #2: Shiny black Nissan 350Z, complete with sleazy-looking driver who gazed into his rear-view mirror, and a license plate saying "RDINHIGH"
Car #3: Shiny black Chevy Malibu
I bet you can guess which one is this week's Mochemobile...
What have I come to?
Monday, December 18, 2006
Bebemoche Blinded By Bling
Per a special request from one of my readers, I will share the details of my star-studded 6am final Monday morning flight from NYC to Memphis.
Monday was just another miserable Monday: way-too-early wake-up, 5am limousine pickup from the least enthusiastic driver to date, long security lines at LGA airport, tall cappucino from the obnoxious airport Starbucks guy, and airplane boarding that resembled a cattle drive.
Fortunately, my ultra-super-maxi-platinum status on [don't want to fly them again] airlines meant that I was upgraded yet again to first class. I snuggled under a foul airplane blanket until I was politely asked by a very large man of some 300+ lbs if I would let him into the window seat. Of course I rose immediately, and as the man approached the window, his 15 lbs. of gold and diamond jewelry reflected the early morning light and temporarily blinded me.
At that moment, I hoped to get to the bottom of the mystery. Was he a rapper? Because he certainly had more bling(1) than I have ever seen before in my life.
In the meantime, the final passengers trickled into the first class cabin. A sharply dressed man in a navy blue suit, white shirt, red power tie, and cowboy boots walked down to my row. I was astonished. When they had called [congressman's] name at the ticket counter, I had thought to myself, well, that's an unfortunate name, especially since the real [congressman] had just lost an election. But lo and behold, it was actual [congressman] that my dear office mate and many other single women are absolutely crazy about.
My second in-flight objective: to somehow slip the phone number and personal details of office mate into the hands of [congressman].
Not far behind [congressman] was Uppity Girl, who had been seated next to me on my Thursday evening flight from Memphis to New York. Uppity Girl is annoying, and works for [no-name three-person] consulting firm. When she bragged about being a consultant on Thursday, I turned on my iPod. This early Monday morning, she had been transformed into an unshowered monster with a srcunchie in her hair and -gasp - suntan colored pantyhose. She had no idea that [congressman] was a congressman, and proceeded to remove her shoes.
The final row 4 lineup:
Bling Bling, Bebemoche, Uppity Girl, and Congressman
It was bound to be an exciting flight!
Back to objective 1: Bling bling and I struck up a conversation, and it turns out that we were both Memphians turned New Yorkers. He commented on New York real estate sticker shock. I subtly probed. He mentioned that he had come to NY for work. At the right moment, I asked what he did for a living. He whispered, " I play football." He said it so quietly I had to ask him three times.
"Which team do you play for?"
"The Jets"
Duh! Turns out all that bling was partially financed by that $10m signing bonus.
Onto in-flight objective two. I pulled out my laptop to extract the phone number of office mate. I wrote on the back of my business card a few key statistics about her life, and I prepared my 30 second elevator speech about her fabulousness. Was it fate? Office mate had mentioned [congressman] only a few weeks before, and joked that I should introduce her to him. Were they destined to be together? (Much as forlorn single guy and Natalie Portman were destined to cross-paths in March...)
Alas, Uppity Girl with her shoeless feet extended into the aisle, snoring, and limbs sprawled all over the cabin was in my way...and she remained there. Rather than becoming a congressional stalker, I decided to keep my distance with the card in a good position for a fast draw. Unfortunately, there was no appropriate early-morning opening for me to greet [congressman], but I must say that I had the most interesting miserable early morning flight as of yet.
Notes:
1) A definition of "bling"
2) More about Bling Bling, who is a really cool guy
3) More about Congressman
Monday was just another miserable Monday: way-too-early wake-up, 5am limousine pickup from the least enthusiastic driver to date, long security lines at LGA airport, tall cappucino from the obnoxious airport Starbucks guy, and airplane boarding that resembled a cattle drive.
Fortunately, my ultra-super-maxi-platinum status on [don't want to fly them again] airlines meant that I was upgraded yet again to first class. I snuggled under a foul airplane blanket until I was politely asked by a very large man of some 300+ lbs if I would let him into the window seat. Of course I rose immediately, and as the man approached the window, his 15 lbs. of gold and diamond jewelry reflected the early morning light and temporarily blinded me.
At that moment, I hoped to get to the bottom of the mystery. Was he a rapper? Because he certainly had more bling(1) than I have ever seen before in my life.
In the meantime, the final passengers trickled into the first class cabin. A sharply dressed man in a navy blue suit, white shirt, red power tie, and cowboy boots walked down to my row. I was astonished. When they had called [congressman's] name at the ticket counter, I had thought to myself, well, that's an unfortunate name, especially since the real [congressman] had just lost an election. But lo and behold, it was actual [congressman] that my dear office mate and many other single women are absolutely crazy about.
My second in-flight objective: to somehow slip the phone number and personal details of office mate into the hands of [congressman].
Not far behind [congressman] was Uppity Girl, who had been seated next to me on my Thursday evening flight from Memphis to New York. Uppity Girl is annoying, and works for [no-name three-person] consulting firm. When she bragged about being a consultant on Thursday, I turned on my iPod. This early Monday morning, she had been transformed into an unshowered monster with a srcunchie in her hair and -gasp - suntan colored pantyhose. She had no idea that [congressman] was a congressman, and proceeded to remove her shoes.
The final row 4 lineup:
Bling Bling, Bebemoche, Uppity Girl, and Congressman
It was bound to be an exciting flight!
Back to objective 1: Bling bling and I struck up a conversation, and it turns out that we were both Memphians turned New Yorkers. He commented on New York real estate sticker shock. I subtly probed. He mentioned that he had come to NY for work. At the right moment, I asked what he did for a living. He whispered, " I play football." He said it so quietly I had to ask him three times.
"Which team do you play for?"
"The Jets"
Duh! Turns out all that bling was partially financed by that $10m signing bonus.
Onto in-flight objective two. I pulled out my laptop to extract the phone number of office mate. I wrote on the back of my business card a few key statistics about her life, and I prepared my 30 second elevator speech about her fabulousness. Was it fate? Office mate had mentioned [congressman] only a few weeks before, and joked that I should introduce her to him. Were they destined to be together? (Much as forlorn single guy and Natalie Portman were destined to cross-paths in March...)
Alas, Uppity Girl with her shoeless feet extended into the aisle, snoring, and limbs sprawled all over the cabin was in my way...and she remained there. Rather than becoming a congressional stalker, I decided to keep my distance with the card in a good position for a fast draw. Unfortunately, there was no appropriate early-morning opening for me to greet [congressman], but I must say that I had the most interesting miserable early morning flight as of yet.
Notes:
1) A definition of "bling"
2) More about Bling Bling, who is a really cool guy
3) More about Congressman
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Priorities Conveniently Disappear Under Stress Of Sleep Deprivation
Wednesday, December 6: After another uninspiring day of toil, I returned home to my mother's house where I have been staying for the past few weeks. (I could not stand the mildewy Hilton any longer). Lo and behold, my three year-old nephew was in the house. He was watching March Of The Wooden Solidiers on the only television in the house. The problem was, it also happened to be the finale of America's Next Top Model, and I desperately wanted to see CarriDee beat Melrose for the title...
Normal person's response: Let the toddler finish his movie
Bebemoche's response: Get out of my way
Friday, December 8: I boarded a miniscule and claustrophobic commuter plane from Memphis to Boston. 1.5 hours into the 3+ hour flight, the pilot informed passengers that the cargo hold's temperature could no longer be controlled. The plane descended to 10,000 feet and began to circle, in order to burn off enough (an hour more) fuel to safely land in Indianapolis, Indiana. Why, you might ask? Because someone's pet dog was flying in the cargo hold.
Normal person's response: Save Frosty the dog and land the plane
Bebemoche's response: Kill Frosty - he is probaby already dead anyway
Normal person's response: Let the toddler finish his movie
Bebemoche's response: Get out of my way
Friday, December 8: I boarded a miniscule and claustrophobic commuter plane from Memphis to Boston. 1.5 hours into the 3+ hour flight, the pilot informed passengers that the cargo hold's temperature could no longer be controlled. The plane descended to 10,000 feet and began to circle, in order to burn off enough (an hour more) fuel to safely land in Indianapolis, Indiana. Why, you might ask? Because someone's pet dog was flying in the cargo hold.
Normal person's response: Save Frosty the dog and land the plane
Bebemoche's response: Kill Frosty - he is probaby already dead anyway
Performance Feedback
Yesterday, I was told that I should be less passionate about defending a point.
Fortunately, that feedback cured me of any passion I may have had for my work.
Fortunately, that feedback cured me of any passion I may have had for my work.
Bebemoche Extends Her Deepest Sympathies To The Well-dressed Man Who Must Listen To This Nonsense From His Project Manager
"I did this in the plane in 2 minutes, and I am being reasonably modest"
"Since you are dressed better than A., I assume you are right"
"That green sweater you have, interesting color. If I wore a sweater like that, it would look like I had liver problems"
"Stop using Jargon. Converged services - It sounds like two cowgirls"
"Since you are dressed better than A., I assume you are right"
"That green sweater you have, interesting color. If I wore a sweater like that, it would look like I had liver problems"
"Stop using Jargon. Converged services - It sounds like two cowgirls"
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Bebemoche Thirty Years Too Young To Be Driving Rental Cadillac DTS
The Cadillac DTS: #1 choice for retirees
Its white with a pale brown leather interior, baby
I'm psyched about the seat warmers, but not so keen on the lack of cup holder. I suppose they calculated that retirees can not afford Starbucks.
Its white with a pale brown leather interior, baby
I'm psyched about the seat warmers, but not so keen on the lack of cup holder. I suppose they calculated that retirees can not afford Starbucks.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Does It Come With A Plastic Drawstring, Or Is That Extra?
It's Chanel. That must be how these fools justify purchasing and carrying a $1000 black garbage-sack-looking bag.
(photo courtesy of the NY times...for a slew of others, click here)
No Time To Read?
Daily Lit may have the answer, especially if you have a Blackberry. The site will e-mail you chapters of the classics...and it's free!
Bebemoche Bounces Back From Turkey-Induced Haze
I have not responded to anyone's e-mails because...
a) The dog ate my e-mail
b) I have been working very long hours for more than a month now
c) I have not really been in New York - first, I was in Colorado watching tumbleweed roll across the parking lot, and then, I returned to BBQ/Elvis USA
d) One of my vacation days was gobbled up by project work (15 hours of it...)
e) All 2 other vacation days were spent sleeping, eating and watching The Dempseys
f) News of the Kid Rock & Pamela Anderson divorce was the final devastating blow
g) I figure you have all given up on me by now anyway
Happy Holidays!
a) The dog ate my e-mail
b) I have been working very long hours for more than a month now
c) I have not really been in New York - first, I was in Colorado watching tumbleweed roll across the parking lot, and then, I returned to BBQ/Elvis USA
d) One of my vacation days was gobbled up by project work (15 hours of it...)
e) All 2 other vacation days were spent sleeping, eating and watching The Dempseys
f) News of the Kid Rock & Pamela Anderson divorce was the final devastating blow
g) I figure you have all given up on me by now anyway
Happy Holidays!
Is It A Bad Sign When Your Waiter's T-Shirt Advertises Another Restaurant?
Thanks go out to Nicole for this brilliant observation...
All My Children Introduces Transgendered Character
The popular American soap opera All My Children is introducing a transgendered character.*
This is a brilliant move on the part of the show. When I think of all of the potential plot twists my mind goes wild...
*I'll be monitoring my Grandmother, who has been watching the show for approximately 30 years, to make sure that the shock does not have drastic consequences for her health.
This is a brilliant move on the part of the show. When I think of all of the potential plot twists my mind goes wild...
*I'll be monitoring my Grandmother, who has been watching the show for approximately 30 years, to make sure that the shock does not have drastic consequences for her health.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Tribute To Arif: How To Save A Wet Cellphone
No, Arif, the solution is not to put your cellphone in the dryer after wrapping it in a sock*....
* Arif complained for the next few post-dryer months that his cellphone reception was really bad
* Arif complained for the next few post-dryer months that his cellphone reception was really bad
Monday, November 13, 2006
Kraft Foods Launches Rub & Sniff Magazine Ad Campaign
The good news is that the artificial scents that are a key differentiator for Kraft foods are simple to transfer to the page... Now that's what I call competitive advantage!
(This is a real ad campaign - More information at The Wall Street Journal)
(This is a real ad campaign - More information at The Wall Street Journal)
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
We All Have Things To Learn
As you can probaby tell, dear readers, this week has definitely been a high point in my career. I've been really frustrated with the company I am forced to keep four days a week. My colleagues have a lot to learn, about etiquette, about ethics, and about ass kissing.
Ass Kissing Rule #1: "You know who has been my role model at this firm? [Partner sitting across from me]! [Partner], you have been the most inspirational person for me at this firm. You are just an absolutely incredible role model....." is neither the most subtle nor the most effective means of kissing someone senior's ass. It often also results in total loss of appetite on the part of any reasonable person seated at the same dinner table. I would rather be ripped apart by dogs while still alive than have to listen to any more of that bullsh*t.
Ass Kissing Rule #1: "You know who has been my role model at this firm? [Partner sitting across from me]! [Partner], you have been the most inspirational person for me at this firm. You are just an absolutely incredible role model....." is neither the most subtle nor the most effective means of kissing someone senior's ass. It often also results in total loss of appetite on the part of any reasonable person seated at the same dinner table. I would rather be ripped apart by dogs while still alive than have to listen to any more of that bullsh*t.
I Don't Care About You, Your Baby, And (Especially) Your Baby's Poop
I have a high tolerance for b.s. from people, as I don't particularly have a choice given my chosen profession. However, when I received an e-mail from an utter bitch going all ga-ga over her new baby and expounding upon all of the possible color, consistency, and smell combinations of baby poop, that was enough to push even me over the edge.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
Bebemoche Develops Blasé Attitude Towards Celebrities
After sitting next to a (very nice) Wiki* on the plane then seeing that Fabien** reality TV jerk in the airport, I no longer care enough to post sightings. I have finally become a genuine New Yorker.
* A Wiki, not to be confused with a Wookie, is a person who has a Wikipedia entry about them (although there is undoubtebly one wookie with a wiki, Chewbacca)
** "Professional party boy and avowed metrosexual..." universally known as a pathetic excuse for a human being, thanks to the utterly worthless show Filthy Rich Cattle Drive. What I want to know is, if Fabien is really so rich, then what the hell is he doing in the LGA airport Hudson News. Shouldn't he be catching a private jet?
* A Wiki, not to be confused with a Wookie, is a person who has a Wikipedia entry about them (although there is undoubtebly one wookie with a wiki, Chewbacca)
** "Professional party boy and avowed metrosexual..." universally known as a pathetic excuse for a human being, thanks to the utterly worthless show Filthy Rich Cattle Drive. What I want to know is, if Fabien is really so rich, then what the hell is he doing in the LGA airport Hudson News. Shouldn't he be catching a private jet?
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Valet Dumps Lingerie On Pavement In Colorful, Lacy Display
Needless to say, I told him that I would rather pick it up myself...
Manatee Makes Appearance Near Memphis
Gosh, I mean I know I gained some weight with the travel and eating out and all, but that's just plain cruel...
The other manatee in Memphis
The other manatee in Memphis
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
This Is A Job For..................Superman!
This is the first in a new headline series entitled "Great Client Quotations Of The 20th Century"
Bebemoche Wears Fleece Jacket In Public
All of that European conditioning has finally been beaten out of me. Goodbye style, hello synchilla.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Saturday, October 14, 2006
It could not be my brilliant content... Hyatt Hotels, Here's My Wake-Up Call To You
With Hyatt Wake-Up Call, you have the opportunity to wake up to personalized greetings from loved ones back home. You can even receive a celebrity greeting from Christie Brinkley
It will take more than Christie Brinkley's recorded voice to make me start another day in a mediocre hotel with a smile
It will take more than Christie Brinkley's recorded voice to make me start another day in a mediocre hotel with a smile
Louis Vuitton Label Once Again Triumphs Over Common Sense
On the runways now: this style of plastic plaid bag currently carried by the poorest people in the world for less than $1 will soon be dangling from the arms of the most stupid and/or shallow in another "impressive" display of the Vuitton label. Retail price has yet to be determined...
Photo courtesy of The New York Times.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Smart People, Stupid Moves
The temperature in Memphis dropped into the low 50s today, leaving me completely unprepared from a wardrobe perspective. Thus, on my way out of town this afternoon I made every attempt to minimize my time outside in the cold rain. I ran in and out of the dry cleaner and my mother's house (suitcase deposit) as quickly as possible...
...and then I came to the gas station. This week, I am driving Chevy's answer to the PT Cruiser, an equally hideous vehicle. I had already struggled to find the rear window wiper control, which was in the completely unintuitive location of the center console, so it was no surprise that when I hopped out of the car to refuel I noticed that there was no notch for me to open the fuel cap from the outside of the car.
I got back inside and scoured every surface from the floor mats to the windshield, on both the driver and passener sides of the vehicle, paying special attention to the dorkily designed center console. I then stepped outside of the car and scanned all of the seat, windshield wiper, and light controls. Nothing. I got back inside and did a second scan of the dashboard and console. And then, five minutes later, it dawned on me.
I stepped outside of the car and gently pressed on the fuel cap, and it opened.
...and then I came to the gas station. This week, I am driving Chevy's answer to the PT Cruiser, an equally hideous vehicle. I had already struggled to find the rear window wiper control, which was in the completely unintuitive location of the center console, so it was no surprise that when I hopped out of the car to refuel I noticed that there was no notch for me to open the fuel cap from the outside of the car.
I got back inside and scoured every surface from the floor mats to the windshield, on both the driver and passener sides of the vehicle, paying special attention to the dorkily designed center console. I then stepped outside of the car and scanned all of the seat, windshield wiper, and light controls. Nothing. I got back inside and did a second scan of the dashboard and console. And then, five minutes later, it dawned on me.
I stepped outside of the car and gently pressed on the fuel cap, and it opened.
Recruiting Update
In our intense recruiting efforts, we are going beyond names...
...and referring to recruits as "the tall skinny one" and "the short fat one"
...and referring to recruits as "the tall skinny one" and "the short fat one"
Sunday, October 08, 2006
How To Send A Powerful Message With Resume Bullets
This year, I have dedicated many hours to recruiting capable MBAs from my alma mater. This week, I had the pleasure of reviewing approximately 50 resumes of aspiring management consultants. Here are some of the highlights, followed by my usual keen insights (in italics):
- Launched marshmallow product (that's great, because if it had been a hard candy product there is no way we would have considered you for an interview)
- Directed 20-person team on Christmas Day during a blizzard (...let me guess, you walked uphill both ways to get there?)
- Basic knowledge of French, Norwegian, Spanish, Hebrew, and Chinese (none of which will be useful in a business setting, but I am sure your multilingual Coca-cola ordering is quite impressive)
- Served as a trusted advisor to senior management (had you written "distrusted," I would have found you to be an even more capable candidate...)
- Launched marshmallow product (that's great, because if it had been a hard candy product there is no way we would have considered you for an interview)
- Directed 20-person team on Christmas Day during a blizzard (...let me guess, you walked uphill both ways to get there?)
- Basic knowledge of French, Norwegian, Spanish, Hebrew, and Chinese (none of which will be useful in a business setting, but I am sure your multilingual Coca-cola ordering is quite impressive)
- Served as a trusted advisor to senior management (had you written "distrusted," I would have found you to be an even more capable candidate...)
Lizards I Have Known
A week after September 11th, I traveled to Kenya on business for the second time. I had scheduled a weekend safari at a Japanese resort that overlooked the game reserve from a hilltop. As most of the Japanese needed to travel through the middle east on their way to Keyna, their trips had been cancelled. A single Japanese couple and I therefore occupied an entire resort, which was disconcerting in itself. A guard with stretched earlobes and a shotgun walked me back and forth from the restaurant to my room. I was upgraded to a cabin with an outdoor hot tub from which I could admire the spectacular view. This colorful lizard also liked the hot tub, and spent hours with me on the back porch, only inches from my foot, bobbing his head up and down to signal that I had invaded his territory. He was about a foot long, and made me slightly nervous. Fortunately, we passed the time together without incident.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Bebemoche Does Not Leave Memphis After All...
But I still missed the Mid-South Fair including the sand sculpture and hamburger eating contest, as I was in hiding in The Ritz-Carlton Philadelphia for several days. Even the hotel let me down - what kind of luxury hotel does not provide bedroom slippers? There were not even any in the spa.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Don't Miss E!'s Sunday Horror Lineup
Dr. 90210 followed by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Scarface.
Bravo, E! for recognizing the similarities between the three. It is a shame, though, that the most frightening is first.
Bravo, E! for recognizing the similarities between the three. It is a shame, though, that the most frightening is first.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Life Is Full of Mysteries
What does a snowman have to do with room cleaning? Is there a God? Perhaps we will never know...
House of Wax
House of Wax is running in the background as I unpack and repack my bags for the coming week. I highly recommend this film, primarily because somebody rams a crowbar through Paris Hilton's skull.
Putting On The Ritz
Buddy Crocker has it all wrong. I've actually been playing mini-golf on my laptop for the past three days, no chocolate involved.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Fortune-telling Pants
Would you pay $60 for reassurance that a handsome man will walk into your life? If so, head to Anthropologie.
Bebemoche Skips Town Heartbreakingly Early
Indeed, I am leaving Memphis too early to attend the Krystal Square Off III World Championship Hamburger Eating Contest at the Mid-South Fair. I’m also going to miss the rodeo, and the fascinating 150th Anniversary Sand Exhibit Expo (I hope a strong wind does not blow it away - I hear one took out some models at fashion week last week).
Please Help Belk
Belk personally requested that I send my readers to vote on his attractiveness (or lack thereof) on the Hot or Not website. Please visit Belk.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Wiked Advice
wikiHow To Dissuade Yourself From Becoming A Blogger
Summary: Blogs are stupid and boring, and if you are seeking attention a blog is not the best way to get it. Nobody cares about your life or interests. Create a wiki instead; people love wiki-writers and wikis are useful.
Summary: Blogs are stupid and boring, and if you are seeking attention a blog is not the best way to get it. Nobody cares about your life or interests. Create a wiki instead; people love wiki-writers and wikis are useful.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Notes From The Team Room
Because we care deeply about and clearly make a personal connection with our recruits:
Boss-man (speaking on phone): "Hey, John, Boss-man here. So, we had that candidate and we, uh, interviewed him....Uh, what what his name again? Shamea, Shamoo, Chimay...?"
Boss-man (speaking on phone): "Hey, John, Boss-man here. So, we had that candidate and we, uh, interviewed him....Uh, what what his name again? Shamea, Shamoo, Chimay...?"
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Friday, September 08, 2006
"Incompetence" Officially Replaced With "Different Working Styles"
Ah, the pleasures of performance review season
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Sunday, September 03, 2006
We Could Not Figure Out How To LAND On The Moon...
...so we decided to crash something into the moon and then pretend that we had some underlying scientific objective. Yes! What a brilliant strategy. Now that's smart!
Buddy Crocker Wins Design Award
...for suggesting the window AC unit coffee table that now commands one's attention in my new living room. That Buddy Crocker is a design genius. That subscription to Martha Stewart Living really paid off. I know Martha would be proud.
The oh-so-versatile window air conditioning unit
The oh-so-versatile window air conditioning unitFor anyone in doubt, I really have converted two window units into a coffee table, with the help of a few strategically placed wooden planks.
Move Over Bacon - Here Comes Something Meatier
Today's celebrity sighting: Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon. Footloose and fancy free in The Village.
For those who did not witness the 80s in the United States - to understand (well, understanding is all relative) my headline, please view the tagline for Sizzlelean.
For those who did not witness the 80s in the United States - to understand (well, understanding is all relative) my headline, please view the tagline for Sizzlelean.
A Picture Says A Thousand Words...
But if you still would like to ingest some sarcastic words on top of this telling photo, see the blog below about Northern Arkansas.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
In The News Today
Suri's poop. Yes, we are moving on from JonBenet. Never mind how many people are dying in Iraq; let's talk about bronzed baby poop.
P.S. - I've also already seen Suri's poop, but the rest of you fools will have to wait for Vanity Fair
P.S. - I've also already seen Suri's poop, but the rest of you fools will have to wait for Vanity Fair
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Colleagues Demonstrate Commitment To Core Values
I am repeatedly amazed by how my colleagues consistently choose to demonstrate our firm’s core values. Just the other day, the CEO sent out a mail reminding us of the firm’s commitment to values including:
fairness, integrity, respect, trust, diversity, and professionalism …
A few minutes later, I received that charming E-vite concerning a firm-sponsored Las Vegas trip, to which someone responded:
“I'll be there with 7 gorgeous lingerie models, all of whom will be thoroughly disgusted with me by 9PM Friday”
Let’s see how the response stacks up against the values:
Fairness – I would say it is only fair if he gives all seven lingerie models equal attention. (Maybe)
Integrity – Well, is he or is he not being honest? (Maybe)
Respect – Perhaps it is out of respect for his female colleagues that he will drive away the models by Friday evening. I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt (Yes)
Trust – He clearly trusts in his own ability to repulse not one, not two, but all seven models… (Yes)
Diversity – With a gaggle of seven models, I’m assuming there will be a diverse mix of blondes, brunettes, redheads; those that have and have not had plastic surgery; those with and without a high school education (Yes)
Professionalism – Believe me, I now have a LOT of professional respect for this individual (Yes)
fairness, integrity, respect, trust, diversity, and professionalism …
A few minutes later, I received that charming E-vite concerning a firm-sponsored Las Vegas trip, to which someone responded:
“I'll be there with 7 gorgeous lingerie models, all of whom will be thoroughly disgusted with me by 9PM Friday”
Let’s see how the response stacks up against the values:
Fairness – I would say it is only fair if he gives all seven lingerie models equal attention. (Maybe)
Integrity – Well, is he or is he not being honest? (Maybe)
Respect – Perhaps it is out of respect for his female colleagues that he will drive away the models by Friday evening. I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt (Yes)
Trust – He clearly trusts in his own ability to repulse not one, not two, but all seven models… (Yes)
Diversity – With a gaggle of seven models, I’m assuming there will be a diverse mix of blondes, brunettes, redheads; those that have and have not had plastic surgery; those with and without a high school education (Yes)
Professionalism – Believe me, I now have a LOT of professional respect for this individual (Yes)
Monday, August 28, 2006
Bebemoche Still Reeling From Trip To Northern Arkansas
Something was afoul. The beady eyes of the dead and stuffed reflected the fluorescent lights of baggage claims 1-4 (the only baggage claims) in the Springfield, Missouri airport.
Oh, those craaazy critters just love shopping at the Bass Pro Shops
It was Sunday evening, and I still had 2 hours more of driving to reach our hotel, the Bass-fishing-themed Big Cedar resort. Nothing could have made the journey more unpleasant, well, nothing besides the fact that I had not only been asked to arrive on a Sunday (10.5 hours of travel), but I was asked to share the last leg of the voyage, a 2 hour car ride, with my boss.
Highlights of the trip:
- The impressive dead, stuffed animal population. They were everywhere, and some were even clothed. The first and last time I'll ever see a raccoon in a baseball cap
- Hot airport shopping during layover in Cincinnati
- Invitations to the concealed handgun carrying course in September
- Keeping a low profile in the Hummer that boss-man insisted on renting (Bonus: It was oh so fuel-efficient!)
- LARGE flies, spiders, and unidentifiable bugs in the log cabin style room
- Avoiding late night client interaction in the "Buzzards Bar"
- The fact that it poured rain the entire time
- Forced scenic detour through Branson
- 16 hours of client workshops. 20+ hours of travel
- No cellphone reception, so cries for help could not even be transmitted to civilization
- Room next to the boss-man's. I was instructed that "[he] had better not hear any noise coming from my room in the middle of the night"
- Learning about the National Truck Driving Championships
- Being treated like a space alien (high heels, tailored clothing, and silk scarves do not appear in the wardrobes of the "natives")
- Channeling Dog the bounty hunter*
- The privilege of being in the hometown of the Klu Klux Klan
- The food poisoning from the trout dumplings. While the dumplings are long gone, the nausea remains
In summary: I have found hell. It is in Northern Arkansas.
* OK, so maybe I like to do that in New York, too...
Friday, August 25, 2006
Bebemoche Almost Runs Lionel Richie Over
Oh No! I just Can’t Slow Down! I was Running With the Night, when I almost ran right over Lionel Richie. Hello?
I though about it All Night Long - was it My Destiny?
Vote For My Big Fat Gay Uncles
At the following address:
http://tv.msn.com/nytvf/contest/pitch
If you need more background information, check out Buddy Crocker. This is all his doing.
http://tv.msn.com/nytvf/contest/pitch
If you need more background information, check out Buddy Crocker. This is all his doing.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Too Much Free Time?
Reading Bebemoche is not enough of a waste of your time? Check out Kitten Wars (no, this is not a kitten fighting site). May the cutest and fuzziest kitten win!
Thanks again to FSG for suggesting this huge time suck site.
Thanks again to FSG for suggesting this huge time suck site.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Latest Celebrity Sighting
Elizabeth Berkley (right). Being a bit superstitous, I can't help but wonder if this is a reflection upon my own professional future (i.e., will it go the way of Showgirls*)... This is definitely moving away from supermodel territory and into Richard Simmons territory.
*sucked
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Firm Announces New Honor
Colleagues,
The Very Impressed-with-myself Person Award is the highest recognition awarded to staff that have already repeatedly recognized themselves as outstanding members of our community. The VIwmP award is reserved for those individuals who are role models of their own self-serving "core values " in their work, in their interactions with clients and colleagues, and in their personal conduct.
The faithful demonstration of one's own business and individual core values are hallmarks of the Very Impressed-with-myself Person. Self-service, self-promotion, and individualism often set VIwmPs apart from their competitors. Their individual core values of unprofessionalism, unfairness, backstabbing, arrogance, disrespect, and mistrust reflect their fundamental strength -- a completely distorted self-image.
US based non-bonus eligible, non-exempt through Associates, staff assigned to a home team are eligible for consideration of this prestigious award. This email serves as a call for staff VIwmP nominations, as designated above. In October, we will honor several of our staff based on your nominations of individuals who believe they have truly demonstrated excellence.
Nominations and self-nominations for the VIwmP awards are due by close-of-business Friday, September 1, 2006. Nominations should be submitted via the on-line awards site at http://www.viwmp.com/. Please ensure your nominations are complete, robust, and provide specific examples and details to strongly substantiate nominations. The focus of the evidence that you provide should reflect consistent, exceptional demonstration of your selfish core values.
Give us an opportunity to recognize how absolutely fabulous you believe yourself to be, and submit a self-nomination today.
Thanks in advance –
Vice President
The Very Impressed-with-myself Person Award is the highest recognition awarded to staff that have already repeatedly recognized themselves as outstanding members of our community. The VIwmP award is reserved for those individuals who are role models of their own self-serving "core values " in their work, in their interactions with clients and colleagues, and in their personal conduct.
The faithful demonstration of one's own business and individual core values are hallmarks of the Very Impressed-with-myself Person. Self-service, self-promotion, and individualism often set VIwmPs apart from their competitors. Their individual core values of unprofessionalism, unfairness, backstabbing, arrogance, disrespect, and mistrust reflect their fundamental strength -- a completely distorted self-image.
US based non-bonus eligible, non-exempt through Associates, staff assigned to a home team are eligible for consideration of this prestigious award. This email serves as a call for staff VIwmP nominations, as designated above. In October, we will honor several of our staff based on your nominations of individuals who believe they have truly demonstrated excellence.
Nominations and self-nominations for the VIwmP awards are due by close-of-business Friday, September 1, 2006. Nominations should be submitted via the on-line awards site at http://www.viwmp.com/. Please ensure your nominations are complete, robust, and provide specific examples and details to strongly substantiate nominations. The focus of the evidence that you provide should reflect consistent, exceptional demonstration of your selfish core values.
Give us an opportunity to recognize how absolutely fabulous you believe yourself to be, and submit a self-nomination today.
Thanks in advance –
Vice President
US Air Passengers Bemoan Sore Feet As TSA Bans Gellin'
New carry-on requirements pose a threat to those who are Gellin'
"Hilariously Depressing" Content
Although this is a rather serious topic, more BuddyCrocker type content, I agreed to post these articles received from a friend:
"I thought this story would be great for your blog - hilariously depressing.
"I thought this story would be great for your blog - hilariously depressing.
Gay Policy In Military Is Called "Tool of Vengeance"
Army Dismisses Gay Arabic Linguist (cute picture)
What's unfortunately hilarious about this is that higher ups in the CIA and armed forces have always been worried that agents and servicemen and women would be blackmailed about their sexual orientation...AND YET they facilitate the blackmail"
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
How To...
I had previously pledged to remove the WikiHow To of the Day from my personalized homepage, but then, some things just act as magnets for one's attention, such as train wrecks, or incredibly informative "How Tos."
That's why I decided to share today's How To. It will be particularly useful to you all, especially those of you in the corporate world. Read and take to heart: How To Survive A Freestyle Rap Battle.
If nothing else, you will learn that "spit on spot" is not about spitting on a dog.
That's why I decided to share today's How To. It will be particularly useful to you all, especially those of you in the corporate world. Read and take to heart: How To Survive A Freestyle Rap Battle.
If nothing else, you will learn that "spit on spot" is not about spitting on a dog.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
More Scammers...
Little did I know, some people are having a lot of fun with e-mail scammers... including asking them to "make elaborate wood carvings, pose for comical photos and fly from London to Scotland. In one episode, which concluded in March after a five-month exchange, [someone] succeeded in having a Nigerian fraudster tattoo 'Baited by Shiver' on his body in order to claim a fictional $46,000 prize."
Bebemoche Admits, "I've Seen Suri"
Jada Pinkett-Smith meets Suri
"She's one of the sweetest babies I've ever met in my life...She's an absolute beauty and she's Daddy's little girl."
Leah Remini* holds Suri
"She’s a beaming baby. She looks like Tom and Katie, she’s just beautiful."
Penelope Cruz meets Suri
"She is really beautiful. She is really special... One of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen."
Bebemoche sees Suri
"She is absolutely hideous, and that's exactly how a baby should be. We are all so proud."
* who in the hell is that?
"She's one of the sweetest babies I've ever met in my life...She's an absolute beauty and she's Daddy's little girl."
Leah Remini* holds Suri
"She’s a beaming baby. She looks like Tom and Katie, she’s just beautiful."
Penelope Cruz meets Suri
"She is really beautiful. She is really special... One of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen."
Bebemoche sees Suri
"She is absolutely hideous, and that's exactly how a baby should be. We are all so proud."
* who in the hell is that?
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Please read very carefully
Hello my name is Samir Saad Amin from Egypt,
am presently on political assylum now.
l got your email contact from my research on the
net because am presently looking for honest person
who can help my client to invest his fund in Real Estate
Investment and commercial properties.
I will be very intresting to start a new life in your country
with your assistance and co-operation on this issue concerning
my client fund.
So please if your in good position to help me, please send me an
email at this email address ( amin04@o2.pl )
indicating your desire to help me invest this fund in your country
and beyond.
l urgently wating for your reply by end of the day,
I hope to me you very soon.
Best Regards & God Bless
Samir Saad Amin
[zoh08p5hs1s]
Hello my name is Samir Saad Amin from Egypt,
am presently on political assylum now.
l got your email contact from my research on the
net because am presently looking for honest person
who can help my client to invest his fund in Real Estate
Investment and commercial properties.
I will be very intresting to start a new life in your country
with your assistance and co-operation on this issue concerning
my client fund.
So please if your in good position to help me, please send me an
email at this email address ( amin04@o2.pl )
indicating your desire to help me invest this fund in your country
and beyond.
l urgently wating for your reply by end of the day,
I hope to me you very soon.
Best Regards & God Bless
Samir Saad Amin
[zoh08p5hs1s]
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Notes From The Team Room
Boss: This big-a** file is going to take a while to download. I am not going to wait. I'll see you later, tools.
Bebemoche: Did you just say "tools?"
Boss: No. "Tootles."
Dumbo: That was what I heard as well...
door closes
...actually, I heard "Fools."
Bebemoche: Did you just say "tools?"
Boss: No. "Tootles."
Dumbo: That was what I heard as well...
door closes
...actually, I heard "Fools."
Monday, July 31, 2006
Tune In, Turn Out, ...
...Vote Republican?
(As opposed to Tune In, Turn On, Drop Out)
This idiotic slogan is from a radio campaign here in Tennessee. Timothy Leary must be turning over in his space canister grave.
Although, perhaps this can help us make sense of Republican policy...
(As opposed to Tune In, Turn On, Drop Out)
This idiotic slogan is from a radio campaign here in Tennessee. Timothy Leary must be turning over in his space canister grave.
Although, perhaps this can help us make sense of Republican policy...
BuddyCrocker's Next New York Celebrity Sighting
Click here to view the mystery celebrity.
Click here to learn more about BuddyCrocker, the celebrity magnet.
Click here to learn more about BuddyCrocker, the celebrity magnet.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Nursing at Frankford: As Far As You Need To Go
I enjoyed this roadside billboard. It isn’t about how far you could go, or even want to go; instead, the program will allow you to learn the absolute bare minimum that you need to go.
I Heart Northwest Airlines
A tale of ineptitude, fat people, perseverance, American capitals, stupidity, low-cut tops, and neglect of basic operations management principles.
Memphis, Wednesday
6:36 PM Twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes beforehand, check in for Thursday flight. Countdown to being home begins.
Thursday
4:30 PM Happily cruise out of the client parking lot destined for the airport in a sassy white Chevy Malibu. FAA web site says there is a 2.5 hour delay to LGA, but trusty Northwest Airlines (NWA) says the flight is on-time.
5:30 PM Pass through airport security after traditional fill-up at ghetto gas station, return of car to the repulsive blond ponytail man working at National Car Rental, and shuttle to the departure level.
5:35 PM Purchase disgusting salad at Coffee Beanery establishment. Clearly a misinterpretation of the famous gorgonzola and pear salad, the mixture of feta, two tiny pear wedges, wilted iceberg lettuce, and dried cranberries distinctly does not hit the spot.
5:36 PM Trusty NWA says the flight is on time. Kick back in the last available chair in the Executive Lounge, giving Shawn, the bitchy front desk attendant, a nasty glare.
5:45 PM Trusty NWA says the flight is on time.
6:00 PM Trusty NWA says the flight is on time. Begin walking. Lounge is located at gate 2. Flight is departing from gate 42.
8:00 PM Trusty NWA announces that the flight is cancelled due to weather. On hold with AmEx Travel for 20 minutes. Book direct flight for following afternoon at 2:35 PM. Make frantic series of calls to cancel Friday appointments in Manhattan, find a hotel room, arrange transportation to the hotel, and notify family in Memphis that it is time to party.
8:30 PM Check in to same hotel had checked out of in the morning, snag cookie and bottle of water from Executive Lounge, and crash with TV and the lights on, missing calls from family members interested in partying and from colleague.
Friday
6:30 AM Get up early, waiting for phone call from colleague. Out of toothpaste.
10:30 AM Eat biscuits and milk gravy breakfast with Mom
12:00 PM Work. Check FAA web site. LGA shut down again. Check NWA website. New flight cancelled. Flight only available on Saturday afternoon.
12:01 PM Make frantic call to AmEx. Request re-route to Philly via Detroit. In ONE HOUR. Run downstairs and grab taxi to airport.
12:35 PM Snooty NWA agent pretends that she does not understand computer system. Call AmEx again. Given boarding passes for rows 26 and 27, out of spite.
12:55 PM Busted with not one knife, not two knives, but a full set of knives in carry on bag. Somehow that slipped through the X-ray machine (and mind) the day before. Low-cut top and Southern accent allow all five knives to remain in carry on bag for flights.
1:15 PM Request new seat assignment at gate. Board flight for Detroit. Wedged between Fat and Fatter in emergency exit row. Attempt to contain rowmates’ rolls by putting armrests down. Fat offers ride to Buffalo, NY. Imagine body hacked to bits and lying by the roadside. Politely decline.
1:55 PM Take off 35 min. late. (Detroit layover 40 min.)
Detroit
4:45 PM Arrive in Eastern time zone. Walk across to Philadelphia departure date. Good to go.
4:50 PM Board flight. Wedged between Elmer Fudd and Rapper Man in row 24. Elmer explains inconvenience of doing tank exercises in lightning storms. Rapper focuses on holding up oversized pants. Australian man offers ride to Manhattan. Imagine body hacked to bits and lying by the roadside. Politely decline. Note to self: Low-cut top really works.
5:00 PM Call New York friends. Happy hour already begun. Hear festivities in the background. Become very, very bitter.
5:20 PM Unruly drunk woman forcefully removed from plane (row 26).
5:50 PM Takeoff
Philadelphia
7:00 PM One step closer to home. Fight strong urge to take detour past Pat’s Cheesesteaks, or take Chinatown bus to increase camp factor of ridiculous travel story. Resist.
7:35 PM Purchase Amtrak ticket and McDonalds value meal.
8:00 PM On the way to New York. Focus on Big Mac rather than Boathouse Row.
9:03 PM Glimpse top of Empire State Building on Horizon.
10:00 PM Arrive home: 2 days, 13 hours of travel, two planes, three taxis, and a train later.
Memphis, Wednesday
6:36 PM Twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes beforehand, check in for Thursday flight. Countdown to being home begins.
Thursday
4:30 PM Happily cruise out of the client parking lot destined for the airport in a sassy white Chevy Malibu. FAA web site says there is a 2.5 hour delay to LGA, but trusty Northwest Airlines (NWA) says the flight is on-time.
5:30 PM Pass through airport security after traditional fill-up at ghetto gas station, return of car to the repulsive blond ponytail man working at National Car Rental, and shuttle to the departure level.
5:35 PM Purchase disgusting salad at Coffee Beanery establishment. Clearly a misinterpretation of the famous gorgonzola and pear salad, the mixture of feta, two tiny pear wedges, wilted iceberg lettuce, and dried cranberries distinctly does not hit the spot.
5:36 PM Trusty NWA says the flight is on time. Kick back in the last available chair in the Executive Lounge, giving Shawn, the bitchy front desk attendant, a nasty glare.
5:45 PM Trusty NWA says the flight is on time.
6:00 PM Trusty NWA says the flight is on time. Begin walking. Lounge is located at gate 2. Flight is departing from gate 42.
8:00 PM Trusty NWA announces that the flight is cancelled due to weather. On hold with AmEx Travel for 20 minutes. Book direct flight for following afternoon at 2:35 PM. Make frantic series of calls to cancel Friday appointments in Manhattan, find a hotel room, arrange transportation to the hotel, and notify family in Memphis that it is time to party.
8:30 PM Check in to same hotel had checked out of in the morning, snag cookie and bottle of water from Executive Lounge, and crash with TV and the lights on, missing calls from family members interested in partying and from colleague.
Friday
6:30 AM Get up early, waiting for phone call from colleague. Out of toothpaste.
10:30 AM Eat biscuits and milk gravy breakfast with Mom
12:00 PM Work. Check FAA web site. LGA shut down again. Check NWA website. New flight cancelled. Flight only available on Saturday afternoon.
12:01 PM Make frantic call to AmEx. Request re-route to Philly via Detroit. In ONE HOUR. Run downstairs and grab taxi to airport.
12:35 PM Snooty NWA agent pretends that she does not understand computer system. Call AmEx again. Given boarding passes for rows 26 and 27, out of spite.
12:55 PM Busted with not one knife, not two knives, but a full set of knives in carry on bag. Somehow that slipped through the X-ray machine (and mind) the day before. Low-cut top and Southern accent allow all five knives to remain in carry on bag for flights.
1:15 PM Request new seat assignment at gate. Board flight for Detroit. Wedged between Fat and Fatter in emergency exit row. Attempt to contain rowmates’ rolls by putting armrests down. Fat offers ride to Buffalo, NY. Imagine body hacked to bits and lying by the roadside. Politely decline.
1:55 PM Take off 35 min. late. (Detroit layover 40 min.)
Detroit
4:45 PM Arrive in Eastern time zone. Walk across to Philadelphia departure date. Good to go.
4:50 PM Board flight. Wedged between Elmer Fudd and Rapper Man in row 24. Elmer explains inconvenience of doing tank exercises in lightning storms. Rapper focuses on holding up oversized pants. Australian man offers ride to Manhattan. Imagine body hacked to bits and lying by the roadside. Politely decline. Note to self: Low-cut top really works.
5:00 PM Call New York friends. Happy hour already begun. Hear festivities in the background. Become very, very bitter.
5:20 PM Unruly drunk woman forcefully removed from plane (row 26).
5:50 PM Takeoff
Philadelphia
7:00 PM One step closer to home. Fight strong urge to take detour past Pat’s Cheesesteaks, or take Chinatown bus to increase camp factor of ridiculous travel story. Resist.
7:35 PM Purchase Amtrak ticket and McDonalds value meal.
8:00 PM On the way to New York. Focus on Big Mac rather than Boathouse Row.
9:03 PM Glimpse top of Empire State Building on Horizon.
10:00 PM Arrive home: 2 days, 13 hours of travel, two planes, three taxis, and a train later.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Bebemoche's Proverbs Gone Wild: Part 1
As my granny always said, "Where there's a will, there's a wake."
For non-native English speakers, some clues...
For non-native English speakers, some clues...
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Silly Reading List
You've got five minutes to spare:
Tool Belt Mania
Secret Bible Verse
You've got the rest of the summer to spare, you still order a café au lait when in Paris, and you're familiar with the phrase "cheese-eating surrender monkeys:"
A Year in the Merde
"There are lots of French people who are not at all hypocritical, inefficient, treacherous, intolerant, adulterous or incredibly sexy … They just didn't make it into [this] book."
Tool Belt Mania
Secret Bible Verse
You've got the rest of the summer to spare, you still order a café au lait when in Paris, and you're familiar with the phrase "cheese-eating surrender monkeys:"
A Year in the Merde
"There are lots of French people who are not at all hypocritical, inefficient, treacherous, intolerant, adulterous or incredibly sexy … They just didn't make it into [this] book."
Aspirations
Many of us have noble childhood aspirations...to fight hunger, to cure AIDS, to become an astronaut, to become President of The United States, etc.
That's why I was so touched when a colleague I do not know well shared one of his noble childhood aspirations with me: since he was five years old, he has wanted a BMW.
That's why I was so touched when a colleague I do not know well shared one of his noble childhood aspirations with me: since he was five years old, he has wanted a BMW.
Bebemoche In Chinese Food Coma
Will blog more when I come back to consciousness...in about two days.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Latest Celebrity Sightings
In New York, Phoebe Cates, 80s teen idol and model.
In Paris, Laetitia Casta, supermodel and Marianne.
Both a step up from Richard Simmons...
In Paris, Laetitia Casta, supermodel and Marianne.
Both a step up from Richard Simmons...
Another Moment Of Marketing Genius
When I think Burger King + Maxim "Hometown Hotties," I think Hometown Heavies.
Apparently, that is not the idea behind this brilliant marketing campaign.
These girls have about as much personality as a ketchup packet.
Apparently, that is not the idea behind this brilliant marketing campaign.
These girls have about as much personality as a ketchup packet.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Bebemoche Removes WikiHow From Personalized Homepage
...after realizing that the How-tos of the day just were not cutting it.
Today: How To Deal With Being In Prison. A few of the points are relevant for management consultants:
Do not cry, show fear, or a vulnerability publicly. Doing so will quickly make you a target for other prisoners.
Recognize that nights are the worst. You will miss your family, and freedom.
Brace yourself for the social dynamics of prison. There are certain ways to behave towards others if you want to get by:
- Do not become a 'punk' (girlfriend). While becoming a punk might give you some fleeting, temporary protection from other inmates, you will be a virtual slave to one. Punks are used and abused. They are traded away in card games and sold for cigarettes. It is not a path to long term survival in prison.
- Do not snitch. If you see something illegal or violent, walk away and do not divulge any information if questioned later. Being known as a snitch will make bad things happen to you. (Of course, you have to decide whether your fellow inmates or the authorities are more dangerous. If you're questioned and lie to the jailkeepers, you can get in serious legal trouble.)
- Stay to yourself, keep your mouth shut and don't tell anyone about your personal life or family. Do not discuss either religion or politics. In other words, don't put your business out on the street. At the same time, don't get involved in other inmate's business.
- Don't get caught up in a jailhouse romance. The last thing you need is to be getting involved in a relationship.
Today: How To Deal With Being In Prison. A few of the points are relevant for management consultants:
Do not cry, show fear, or a vulnerability publicly. Doing so will quickly make you a target for other prisoners.
Recognize that nights are the worst. You will miss your family, and freedom.
Brace yourself for the social dynamics of prison. There are certain ways to behave towards others if you want to get by:
- Do not become a 'punk' (girlfriend). While becoming a punk might give you some fleeting, temporary protection from other inmates, you will be a virtual slave to one. Punks are used and abused. They are traded away in card games and sold for cigarettes. It is not a path to long term survival in prison.
- Do not snitch. If you see something illegal or violent, walk away and do not divulge any information if questioned later. Being known as a snitch will make bad things happen to you. (Of course, you have to decide whether your fellow inmates or the authorities are more dangerous. If you're questioned and lie to the jailkeepers, you can get in serious legal trouble.)
- Stay to yourself, keep your mouth shut and don't tell anyone about your personal life or family. Do not discuss either religion or politics. In other words, don't put your business out on the street. At the same time, don't get involved in other inmate's business.
- Don't get caught up in a jailhouse romance. The last thing you need is to be getting involved in a relationship.
Remember, you are in a house of thieves and liars, and should not believe very much of anything you hear. Do not trust other inmates except in cases where there would not be serious consequences for doing so. I.e. make careful choices regarding your "friends" and your location at any given moment of the day.
I ? Chicago
The 70 degree sunny weather, lack of traffic headed into downtown, and chic hotel have almost made me forget my mantra: I detest the midwest.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Friday, June 30, 2006
"How To" Of The Day = How To Dumpster Dive
A few days ago we were retiring in our 30s, and now we are sifting through trash?
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
How To Retire In Your 30s
Read about it.
If that's not your goal, consider How To Become a Motivational Speaker, How To Write a Book About Your Life, or How To Become Intolerably Arrogant.
If that's not your goal, consider How To Become a Motivational Speaker, How To Write a Book About Your Life, or How To Become Intolerably Arrogant.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Notes From The Team Room: Part 4
This time, inside my team room... Current (as in right now, blocking it out) discussion topics include:
- Protective sports gear for men's anatomy
- Chicago Bears team member loses testicle after playing without "cup"
- Euphemisms for being hit in a certain part of a man's anatomy
- Rush Limbaugh's Viagra
But really, who said the business world was just one big boys' club?
Monday, June 26, 2006
If you liked Red Hot Santa then you'll love...
...NASCAR-Themed Romance Novels such as In The Groove
Not to be missed:
In The Groove plot summary
Background information:
News release
NASCAR
Harlequin
Not to be missed:
In The Groove plot summary
Background information:
News release
NASCAR
Harlequin
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
Let Me Show You The Emergency Exit, Lady
This morning I wore a white shirt and dark pants. Someone on my flight took that to mean that I was actually a part of the cabin crew. Never mind my angry snarl and first class seat.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Bebemoche Almost Fights Airline Lounge Hostess For Third Week In A Row
After a huge traffic jam, some snooty blue-blazered-khaki-panted jerk cutting me off at the rental car agency, a contract with an option listed that I did not select, and a security line backed up to the airport entrance I did not have the patience to deal with that sneering airline lounge hostess yet again. She certainly was not hired for her charm.
Fortunately, the very direct question, "May I have your name?" did the trick...
Fortunately, the very direct question, "May I have your name?" did the trick...
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Help Wanted
Seeking washed-up nuclear physicist to appear on morning news program to support Diet Coke and Mentos experiment. Stage presence and waterproof outerwear required. High cheekbones and flowing hairstyle a plus.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Somebody Mute This Guy Now: Notes From The Team Room (Part 3)
- We need to ramp up, operationalize, routinize
- Criticality levels
- [The PMO should be like] the spider in the middle of the web
- We may want more texture and granularity
- [This is like] changing the wheels of a moving car
- [Let's] start digging into an open hood
Bebemoche's Popcorn Consumption Up 2973%
The popcorn machine is right around the corner...Daily consumption averages 1.5 bags
Monday, June 12, 2006
Notes From The Team Room (Part 2)
Thank goodness this nonsense is being said in someone else's team room. I kid you not:
1. Gentlemen, the train has left the station
2. It's time for the rubber to hit the road
3. We have to push hard without breaking
4. We have to begin running the show
5. We have to dive a little deeper
6. We have to "corral" and collate everything that's going on
7. But let's try not to overengineer
8. In a nutshell, our job is to make each of those guys look like a superstar
9. Let's lean on them / not lean on them
10. We need to solidify the clarity (around whatever)
1. Gentlemen, the train has left the station
2. It's time for the rubber to hit the road
3. We have to push hard without breaking
4. We have to begin running the show
5. We have to dive a little deeper
6. We have to "corral" and collate everything that's going on
7. But let's try not to overengineer
8. In a nutshell, our job is to make each of those guys look like a superstar
9. Let's lean on them / not lean on them
10. We need to solidify the clarity (around whatever)
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Notes From The Team Room
A real-life look into the glamorous field of management consulting and the exciting conversations that change the course of corporate history. Or not.
Person A: "How many countries belong to The United Nations?”
Manager: “Ones that count?”
Summer intern: (telling a story) “…and then we went to this bar full of hookahs.”
Manager: “ A hooker bar? What”
Summer intern: “Hoo-kahs. Water pipes. Not hookers pronounced ‘hookahs.’”
Person A: "How many countries belong to The United Nations?”
Manager: “Ones that count?”
Summer intern: (telling a story) “…and then we went to this bar full of hookahs.”
Manager: “ A hooker bar? What”
Summer intern: “Hoo-kahs. Water pipes. Not hookers pronounced ‘hookahs.’”
New Movie Trailer: Titanic II
I lost interest about two minutes into the Titanic II movie trailer, but make sure you hold on for longer because there is a priceless moment near the end (it involves a musical…)
Monday, June 05, 2006
More Memphis Mmmm
In their analysis of fast food restaurant patronage in the U.S., Scarborough found that Memphis was ranked as the number four local market in average adult visits to quick service restaurants such as McDonald's or Subway in a given month, with an average of 6.3 visits per month.
In breaking news, Memphis has also been named grease fire capital of The United States, giving Great Balls of Fire an entirely new meaning.
In breaking news, Memphis has also been named grease fire capital of The United States, giving Great Balls of Fire an entirely new meaning.
Is It Just Me...
...or is the placement of that comment about giving daddy what he really wants a bit off?
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Bebemoche's Fashion Tips, Part 2
Swimsuit not advisable:
(Again, provided for your viewing pleasure by none other than NH)
(Again, provided for your viewing pleasure by none other than NH)Tuesday, May 30, 2006
A Bit Of London With A Dash Of Paris...Or Merely The Fantasy Of Some Crack-Smoking Ad Agency Slave?
I dare someone to go and find out... (No, thanks!)
Provided by NH.
Friday, May 26, 2006
For Nerds Only: Movie Physics
From a colleague's e-mail:
This Memorial Day weekend, I figured some of us have plans to watch a movie or two – particularly of the summer-blockbuster, action-packed, bullets-whizzing variety. Consequently, I’m thinking you’d find the following information useful in selecting which cinematic creation to view (and if it doesn’t help you, you might nonetheless find the information interesting).
This Memorial Day weekend, I figured some of us have plans to watch a movie or two – particularly of the summer-blockbuster, action-packed, bullets-whizzing variety. Consequently, I’m thinking you’d find the following information useful in selecting which cinematic creation to view (and if it doesn’t help you, you might nonetheless find the information interesting).
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Ruby Slippers Not Producing Desired Effect
Yesterday I decided to spice up my boring black and white work outfit with a superb pair of red shoes from none other than Fratelli Rossetti, my favorite shoe store. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I clicked my heels together and repeated "there's no place like home,"I remained on the client site surrounded by absolute idiots and commanded by a little man behind a big curtain.
Ah, Memphis
Being in Memphis for business is a somewhat bizarre experience. First of all, I am working for the corporation that indirectly financed almost all of my (excessive) teenage alcohol consumption. Second of all, it seems I can not drive down the streets of East Memphis without remembering events from my childhood. For example, I always glance longingly at that street where my first boyfriend tested his BMW to see if it would really go from 0 to 60 in less than 7 seconds (What an ass).
Last Wednesday evening, my mother and I had dinner at the same restaurant where I had my eighth grade dance "date" (you know, the kind of date where nobody is even close to having a driver's license). That seemed to set the tone for the following 24 hours.
Thursday evening, I was sitting in the airport, minding my own business, absolutely exhausted from a tiring week of client service. I sensed some sort of unnatural presence behind me in the gate area, only to turn around and discover much to my dismay, that two graduates of [Miss X's School], one of whom was my college summer internship boss and the other (the younger sister) of whom had been described by me in the late '80s to be "too blonde," were sitting one row behind me. I slowly turned my eyes away and vowed not to look over my shoulder again, for fear of either being blinded by the light reflected by the bleached blonde hair or, even worse, having to make smalltalk.
I glanced up at the gate to see if the flight delay had at all been reduced, as I was anxious to step out of the past and get back to my real life in New York, when I noticed something strange. A tall blonde man stood at the counter, his posture familiar. After receiving the response to his question, he slowly turned around and started walking towards me when, to my absolute horror, I realized that it was Dave, my boyfriend of 18 years ago (Mr. BMW). Oh my God. Pink Floyd music filled my brain, and I recalled the evening when K., N., and I had burned all of his letters and his ratty old t-shirt in a backyard flower bed burial ceremony.
I did what most women in that situation would do. No, I did not jump up and say hello. I pretended not to have seen him. He pretended not to have seen me. I looked down, and then to the side. He walked back to his seat.
Two and a half hours, one strategic dig into the laptop bag (as he passed me in my first class seat), and one sprint to the baggage claim area later and I was home free. May Dave, his T-shirt, and his letters rest in peace, at least for another 18 years. Let's hope that those were the first and last of the blonde sightings.
Last Wednesday evening, my mother and I had dinner at the same restaurant where I had my eighth grade dance "date" (you know, the kind of date where nobody is even close to having a driver's license). That seemed to set the tone for the following 24 hours.
Thursday evening, I was sitting in the airport, minding my own business, absolutely exhausted from a tiring week of client service. I sensed some sort of unnatural presence behind me in the gate area, only to turn around and discover much to my dismay, that two graduates of [Miss X's School], one of whom was my college summer internship boss and the other (the younger sister) of whom had been described by me in the late '80s to be "too blonde," were sitting one row behind me. I slowly turned my eyes away and vowed not to look over my shoulder again, for fear of either being blinded by the light reflected by the bleached blonde hair or, even worse, having to make smalltalk.
I glanced up at the gate to see if the flight delay had at all been reduced, as I was anxious to step out of the past and get back to my real life in New York, when I noticed something strange. A tall blonde man stood at the counter, his posture familiar. After receiving the response to his question, he slowly turned around and started walking towards me when, to my absolute horror, I realized that it was Dave, my boyfriend of 18 years ago (Mr. BMW). Oh my God. Pink Floyd music filled my brain, and I recalled the evening when K., N., and I had burned all of his letters and his ratty old t-shirt in a backyard flower bed burial ceremony.
I did what most women in that situation would do. No, I did not jump up and say hello. I pretended not to have seen him. He pretended not to have seen me. I looked down, and then to the side. He walked back to his seat.
Two and a half hours, one strategic dig into the laptop bag (as he passed me in my first class seat), and one sprint to the baggage claim area later and I was home free. May Dave, his T-shirt, and his letters rest in peace, at least for another 18 years. Let's hope that those were the first and last of the blonde sightings.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Travel Much?
To: Bebemoche
Account # 12354-836257
From: ConEdison
IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR GAS USAGE
The readings we've obtained from your gas meter for the referenced account do not show any usage. This is a matter of concern to us since you may have stopped using our gas service or our meter may not be working properly.
If you are not using our gas service and do not intend to use it in the near future, the service should probably be turned off. If you ask us to turn off the service, you can avoid the monthly charge that we bill to your account even when there is no usage. The savings to you can be substantial.
Please call us at 1-800-123-4567... Thank you.
Account # 12354-836257
From: ConEdison
IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR GAS USAGE
The readings we've obtained from your gas meter for the referenced account do not show any usage. This is a matter of concern to us since you may have stopped using our gas service or our meter may not be working properly.
If you are not using our gas service and do not intend to use it in the near future, the service should probably be turned off. If you ask us to turn off the service, you can avoid the monthly charge that we bill to your account even when there is no usage. The savings to you can be substantial.
Please call us at 1-800-123-4567... Thank you.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Rumor Has It...
I used to think that Bananas in Pyjamas were going strong...
But then I read about B2's purported affair with Stripey...
This opens the gates for Corn Cob Bob to make his move!
But then I read about B2's purported affair with Stripey...
This opens the gates for Corn Cob Bob to make his move!
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Code Name MacGyver
I hereby pronounce that from now on we shall refer to this project only as “MacGyver,” the project during which we take previously existing mundane elements and turn them into something spectacular.
(Somebody get me some toothpicks, a dog collar, a plastic spoon, and a chewing gum wrapper and I’m bound to be able to build myself a helicopter and fly right outta here…)
That cosmic explosion in the background somehow seems appropriate...
Addendum (a mere 30 minutes later): This is also the project where we take the hopelessly stupid and try to make them into geniuses...
(Somebody get me some toothpicks, a dog collar, a plastic spoon, and a chewing gum wrapper and I’m bound to be able to build myself a helicopter and fly right outta here…)
That cosmic explosion in the background somehow seems appropriate...
Addendum (a mere 30 minutes later): This is also the project where we take the hopelessly stupid and try to make them into geniuses...
Odd Pairings
Why I Called My Bo*bs Simon & Garfunkel
(No, not mine …)
Can you believe this was published in a British newspaper?
This one goes out to “T*ttie Man,” that unfortunate undergraduate classmate who did not have the sophistication to come up with a more inspirational reference for a certain blogger’s parts… Over ten years later and he has yet to shake off that nickname - living proof that one misnomer can last a lifetime.
(No, not mine …)
Can you believe this was published in a British newspaper?
This one goes out to “T*ttie Man,” that unfortunate undergraduate classmate who did not have the sophistication to come up with a more inspirational reference for a certain blogger’s parts… Over ten years later and he has yet to shake off that nickname - living proof that one misnomer can last a lifetime.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Don't Know About The LeBaron...But The Rest Is OK
We do other things than get bored and frustrated on this project. Today, we were discussing the declining image of Tom Cruise and reminiscing about the film Top Gun...
which led me into a tirade about role models for girls and how competent sexy blonde flight instructors in leather skirts and stilettos should perhaps not be sleeping with their students despite any resemblance the students may bear to Tom Cruise...
which led the Partner on my project to quote this "classic" song...
Short Skirt, Long Jacket
by Cake
I want a girl with a mind like a diamond
I want a girl who knows what’s best
I want a girl with shoes that cut
And eyes that burn like cigarettes
I want a girl with the right allocations
Who’s fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack
She’s playing with her jewelry
She’s putting up her hair
She’s touring the facilities
And picking up the slack
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket
I want a girl who gets up early
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete, to cut her red tape
With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark like tainted glass
She is fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack
She’s touring the facilities and picking up the slack
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long, long jacket
I want a girl with smooth liquidation
I want a girl with the right dividends
At Citibank we will meet accidentally
We’ll start to talk when she borrows my pen
She wants a car with a cupholder armrest
She wants a car that will get her there
She’s changing her name
From Kitty to Karen
She’s trading her MG for a white Chrysler LeBaron
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket
which led me into a tirade about role models for girls and how competent sexy blonde flight instructors in leather skirts and stilettos should perhaps not be sleeping with their students despite any resemblance the students may bear to Tom Cruise...
which led the Partner on my project to quote this "classic" song...
Short Skirt, Long Jacket
by Cake
I want a girl with a mind like a diamond
I want a girl who knows what’s best
I want a girl with shoes that cut
And eyes that burn like cigarettes
I want a girl with the right allocations
Who’s fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack
She’s playing with her jewelry
She’s putting up her hair
She’s touring the facilities
And picking up the slack
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket
I want a girl who gets up early
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete, to cut her red tape
With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark like tainted glass
She is fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack
She’s touring the facilities and picking up the slack
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long, long jacket
I want a girl with smooth liquidation
I want a girl with the right dividends
At Citibank we will meet accidentally
We’ll start to talk when she borrows my pen
She wants a car with a cupholder armrest
She wants a car that will get her there
She’s changing her name
From Kitty to Karen
She’s trading her MG for a white Chrysler LeBaron
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket
Monday, May 15, 2006
House of Lies!
A man after my own heart... Martin Kihn wrote House of Lies about his experience working in a certain management consulting firm. Haven't read it yet, but the site certainly makes it look promising. (You can watch videos in which they use all detested bullsh*t bingo words and more, or read this or other excerpts that hit a bit too close to home...)
From the press kit:
After reading about the high-priced consultants who advised Enron and WorldCom all the way to their deaths, Marty thought it was time for the truth to be told – the truth about his notorious, bewildering and shockingly influential profession.
“House of Lies” includes scene after scene of yuck-tastic high drama, including:
· Behind-the-scenes truth about a very powerful, very short man
· A light-hearted look at global consulting behemoth [X] and its resemblance to a certain Renaissance warmonger
· A roll-call of core consulting craft skills – including the ability to joyfully receive erroneous feedback from mean-spirited colleagues
· How to speak with authority on topics about which you know nothing
· Proper etiquette at dreaded team events, including seemingly endless dinners
· A day in the life of a top-tier consultant, including things to do in Cleveland when you’re dead
From the press kit:
After reading about the high-priced consultants who advised Enron and WorldCom all the way to their deaths, Marty thought it was time for the truth to be told – the truth about his notorious, bewildering and shockingly influential profession.
“House of Lies” includes scene after scene of yuck-tastic high drama, including:
· Behind-the-scenes truth about a very powerful, very short man
· A light-hearted look at global consulting behemoth [X] and its resemblance to a certain Renaissance warmonger
· A roll-call of core consulting craft skills – including the ability to joyfully receive erroneous feedback from mean-spirited colleagues
· How to speak with authority on topics about which you know nothing
· Proper etiquette at dreaded team events, including seemingly endless dinners
· A day in the life of a top-tier consultant, including things to do in Cleveland when you’re dead
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Miami!
The weekend in Miami Beach was fabulous, even moreso because of the hilarious e-mail introduction that the 15-person party crew received beforehand. It went like this:
Advice for people that give advice
Having aknowledged that some [consulting firm] incredible people are going to visit Miami next week, I found myself in a position to give some suggestions. The fact that [sleazy] and [easy] ([cheesy], we will miss you a lot) are going to be present is already making the Hot Latin Girls Club of South Florida shake. So before you guys arrive, a Press Letter will be released in order to calm people down.
As everybody must already know this is a party city. So whenever you want to visit here there is always somewhere to party. Non-latin women are considered exotic here, and the handsome latino guys are tired of the Spanish grammar and search to improve their English (and other skills too) with Enghish-speaking mates. So [Sexy Momma], Bebemoche, [GooGoo] and company, get ready for some language coaching. [Sleazy] and [easy], beware: real men are furiously chased as the ratio men/women is extremely low (and a good percentage of the male population are "not really men"). So my dear Macho friends, hold your pants because this is going to be wild.
Advice for people that give advice
Having aknowledged that some [consulting firm] incredible people are going to visit Miami next week, I found myself in a position to give some suggestions. The fact that [sleazy] and [easy] ([cheesy], we will miss you a lot) are going to be present is already making the Hot Latin Girls Club of South Florida shake. So before you guys arrive, a Press Letter will be released in order to calm people down.
As everybody must already know this is a party city. So whenever you want to visit here there is always somewhere to party. Non-latin women are considered exotic here, and the handsome latino guys are tired of the Spanish grammar and search to improve their English (and other skills too) with Enghish-speaking mates. So [Sexy Momma], Bebemoche, [GooGoo] and company, get ready for some language coaching. [Sleazy] and [easy], beware: real men are furiously chased as the ratio men/women is extremely low (and a good percentage of the male population are "not really men"). So my dear Macho friends, hold your pants because this is going to be wild.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Wondering Who Bebemoche Really Is?
You can find me on South Beach in Miami right about now. 1001 Collins Avenue. I'm the pasty woman with the laptop and circles under her eyes, still typing after 5pm on a Friday as people carrying cases of beer walk by. Party on!
Lift 'n' Peel Neither Lifts Nor Peels
The Lift 'n' Peel system.
I'm a whole hell of a lot more angry than that power drill woman who is splattered with ketchup.
I'm a whole hell of a lot more angry than that power drill woman who is splattered with ketchup.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Llamas: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
1999, Centre d’Affaires du Bois de Jouy, Jouy-en-Josas, France
Bebemoche slips a llama ransom letter under the door. $50,000 cash, or the llama dies laid out on the page in letters cut out of magazines. The portrait of a virile llama with a slight Latino flair, one single tear drawn in the corner of its eye, adorning the center of the anonymous note. Only one other person was in on the secret extortion attempt.
Several days beforehand
An innocent young colleague, Gregory*, and I attend a lunch with a new member of our management team. Tall, German, with a commanding presence, a compulsive liar with a Harley and a minimal IQ, Dieter was insupportable. Our lunch started with the usual awkwardness of a business lunch, nobody knowing where to draw the line between the personal and the professional.
But then, out of the blue, Dieter let us in on one of his most intimate, uninteresting, and potentially fictitious secrets: For over one hour he told us about his plan to become a llama millionaire.
Dieter had imported a prizewinning South American** male llama in order to breed thoroughbred llamas on one of his purported llama farms, formed with partners in The United States. Llamas made good pets for girls, they ate all the weeds in the garden, they went for a hefty price of thousands, and, best of all, the current supply of llamas in The United States was severely limited.
Llamas, llamas, llamas, llamas, llamas…more than one hour of llamas and llama benefits and all Gregory and I could do was try to keep straight faces and finally make some pathetic excuse to politely excuse ourselves….but not before swearing ourselves to the utmost SECRECY
2006, Maryville, Tennessee, USA
My best friend Marian has just purchased a farm. What better way to rid the garden of weeds than to adopt some llamas from the llama rescue. Apparently, the llama boom of the late nineties was short-lived and llamas have gone out of style and into refuge.
When I eventually have the opportunity to meet Marian’s new llamas, I will dream of their special South American heritage and German uncle Dieter.
*Names may have been changed to protect the innocent
**I forget the exact national origin of said llama
Bebemoche slips a llama ransom letter under the door. $50,000 cash, or the llama dies laid out on the page in letters cut out of magazines. The portrait of a virile llama with a slight Latino flair, one single tear drawn in the corner of its eye, adorning the center of the anonymous note. Only one other person was in on the secret extortion attempt.
Several days beforehand
An innocent young colleague, Gregory*, and I attend a lunch with a new member of our management team. Tall, German, with a commanding presence, a compulsive liar with a Harley and a minimal IQ, Dieter was insupportable. Our lunch started with the usual awkwardness of a business lunch, nobody knowing where to draw the line between the personal and the professional.
But then, out of the blue, Dieter let us in on one of his most intimate, uninteresting, and potentially fictitious secrets: For over one hour he told us about his plan to become a llama millionaire.
Dieter had imported a prizewinning South American** male llama in order to breed thoroughbred llamas on one of his purported llama farms, formed with partners in The United States. Llamas made good pets for girls, they ate all the weeds in the garden, they went for a hefty price of thousands, and, best of all, the current supply of llamas in The United States was severely limited.
Llamas, llamas, llamas, llamas, llamas…more than one hour of llamas and llama benefits and all Gregory and I could do was try to keep straight faces and finally make some pathetic excuse to politely excuse ourselves….but not before swearing ourselves to the utmost SECRECY
2006, Maryville, Tennessee, USA
My best friend Marian has just purchased a farm. What better way to rid the garden of weeds than to adopt some llamas from the llama rescue. Apparently, the llama boom of the late nineties was short-lived and llamas have gone out of style and into refuge.
When I eventually have the opportunity to meet Marian’s new llamas, I will dream of their special South American heritage and German uncle Dieter.
*Names may have been changed to protect the innocent
**I forget the exact national origin of said llama
Good Morning
7:00 am: Hit snooze button
7:09 am: Hit snooze button
7:18 am: Hit snooze button
7:27 am: Hit snooze button
7:36 am: Hit snooze button
7:37am: Come to consciousness, note lingering scent of pit BBQ
7:40 – 7:55am: Attempt to scrub off dark purple “EAT, DRINK, BOOGIE, REPEAT” stamp on back of hand
7:56: Read weekend slumber party invitation e-mail from “Princessa and Sexy Mama”
... wondering what lies ahead
7:09 am: Hit snooze button
7:18 am: Hit snooze button
7:27 am: Hit snooze button
7:36 am: Hit snooze button
7:37am: Come to consciousness, note lingering scent of pit BBQ
7:40 – 7:55am: Attempt to scrub off dark purple “EAT, DRINK, BOOGIE, REPEAT” stamp on back of hand
7:56: Read weekend slumber party invitation e-mail from “Princessa and Sexy Mama”
... wondering what lies ahead
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Superstition
Many of you may have been wondering why my postings have dribbled off during the past week or so. Perhaps you thought that I had some new and interesting distractions, or was busy cruising around town in one of my sexy rental cars. Alas, neither is the case. My life is still terribly boring and utterly meaningless.
Last week, at the beginning of my short and tumultuous relationship with the PT Cruiser, I was struck by an omen: The Cruiser’s accident report and vehicle registration literally fell from the sky and hit me in the head as I took my place behind my trusty companion’s wheel.
I would like to say that normally I am not a superstitious person. However, I am very superstitious and would be blatantly lying if I said that I was not.* I took the falling papers as a sign of things to come.
I then proceeded to check in to a hotel room ending in the number 13.
Needless to say, late Wednesday evening, The Cruiser was critically injured when he and I were struck sideways by a drunk driver.
I am finally feeling whole again, ready to post and complain about the engine problems that I had with this week’s Hooptie of the Week #1. Let’s hope that Hooptie of the Week #2 does not suffer a similar fate (both good and bad things come in threes…)
*I am also superstitious about numbers, black cats crossing my path, Supertramp songs that play on the radio at certain times, colored pens (especially for exams) and notebooks, the color of certain clothing items, etc.
Last week, at the beginning of my short and tumultuous relationship with the PT Cruiser, I was struck by an omen: The Cruiser’s accident report and vehicle registration literally fell from the sky and hit me in the head as I took my place behind my trusty companion’s wheel.
I would like to say that normally I am not a superstitious person. However, I am very superstitious and would be blatantly lying if I said that I was not.* I took the falling papers as a sign of things to come.
I then proceeded to check in to a hotel room ending in the number 13.
Needless to say, late Wednesday evening, The Cruiser was critically injured when he and I were struck sideways by a drunk driver.
I am finally feeling whole again, ready to post and complain about the engine problems that I had with this week’s Hooptie of the Week #1. Let’s hope that Hooptie of the Week #2 does not suffer a similar fate (both good and bad things come in threes…)
*I am also superstitious about numbers, black cats crossing my path, Supertramp songs that play on the radio at certain times, colored pens (especially for exams) and notebooks, the color of certain clothing items, etc.
Bebemoche Cut Off From Snack Machine, Hits Rock Bottom
There comes a time in every person’s life when she has to take a moment to take stock of where she is. One of those moments occurred this afternoon, when I ran out of change. No Moon Pies or Funyons (or fun) for me, only introspection
(and a trip to the bank for quarters)
(and a trip to the bank for quarters)
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Lone (C)rockette Blogs On
BuddyCrocker and I agreed to synchronize our blogging of weekend discussion topics such as that "getting catty with the classics" moment or our horror at Williamsburg conformism.
I have not lived up to my end of the bargain, so the least I can do is pay him a little compliment in my blog subject line.
For my foreign readers, a definition of crock (check the slang definition)
I have not lived up to my end of the bargain, so the least I can do is pay him a little compliment in my blog subject line.
For my foreign readers, a definition of crock (check the slang definition)
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