My New Online Dating Profile

After some serious thought, I realized that perhaps the problem with ivyleague.com was all with me. I don't think I have been doing myself justice in my short profile. So, I made some updates today (for real) which I think better reflect who I am and what I am seeking:

Attention The Best and The Brightest: 34 year old pagan seeks companion under age 85. You can read, are proficient in trash disposal, believe in crystal power, and summer in East Hampton. Criminal record not frowned upon. Drop me and my 25 cats a line. NY metro area