Notes From Underground

I write to you from the fringes of society: The state of New Jersey. I've been trapped at home, ill for the past two weeks or so, and in these past couple of days decided to migrate to The Garden State, not only for a little TLC, but also because I find strip malls and piped-in classical music soothing in my drug-induced haze*.

I would have considered this a welcome break from the 9 to 5 (AM, that is), except for there is one minor flaw in that plan, namely that I pretty much can not get out of bed.

I am bored out of my mind.

At this point, no amount of TV, books, blogs, or magazines could relieve my misery. That being said, I have finally had the chance to get back into American popular culture and take the time to enjoy some of our quality television programming. Let me share some of my learnings.

First of all, I'm fascinated by some of the people that appear on reality TV shows, namely because I had no idea that "Dog Tutu Designer" was a real profession. Remind me to use that instead of "Underwater Basket Weaver" the next time I speak of my ambitions. How noble to reduce the scope of one's artistry to focus on the fundamental item of dog garb, the tutu.

Other notable professionals on said show included a "video game tester" and someone who "competed in beauty pageants" -- all were vying for the affections of The Lord of Muff, who apparently has a lot to live up to.

Second of all, I can almost understand male TV envy, as I've come to appreciate admiring The Lord of Muff on a giant flatscreen that makes him larger than life.

Lastly, I did actually laugh at one point, a welcome relief, thanks to Undercutters' Pizza. If you don't find the video amusing then please remember that I've been taking narcotics for days now.

Tootles my fans. Don't forget that gifts of money, job offers, flowers, or extermination services are more than welcome.


* I also decided that not showering and wearing sweatpants was much more welcome, even commonplace, on the streets of NJ than on the Upper East Side