Date One: Mommie Dearest

Statshot: Top of the class at top law school, about to make Partner at big law firm, 6'1" with literary interests and a great (written) sense of humor

Full disclosure (1) : I like boats

The lead-in e-mail exchange with this guy was absolutely hilarious! I was certain that he was my soulmate. Until I met him.

Highlights (it was difficult to choose from so many hours of painfully priceless dialogue):

• The first question he posed was about how I decorated my apartment. (Ummm, these are important questions when you first meet someone new ) At a loss for how to describe it, I asked about his, at which point he started describing his "dislike of overhead lighting" and colors such as "merlot"
• He repeatedly said " You must be really, really smart, because you went to [undergrad]" ... " I do not remember if I was rejected from [undergrad] or simply did not even bother to apply because I knew I would not get in" ... " Don't be modest" ...
• Apparently, wire hangers were also a serious concern for him. He first asked how my closet was organized and then insisted upon knowing whether or not I had wire hangers. Apparently he uses his own hangers, and even replaces the wire hangers on items returned from the dry cleaners with his own hangers. I definitely did not help the situation when I started doing my Mommie Dearest imitation " NO wire hangers!!!!!!!!!!" (2)

[By this point I was on drink #2. Yes, even though I studied economics I could not give up on my sunk cost and somehow was deluded enough to think that this conversation might turn around]

• Unfortunately, he lost even more points when he mentioned he was learning to skateboard at age 34 with a professional trainer
• Sure, many of us are dissatisfied with our stressful New York power jobs, however, I do not believe the solution is to become a PI (3) even if "In novels they are really cool and always get a lot of girls." I advised him not to grow a Magnum PI style moustache unless he was in India, and that perhaps, that PI lifestyle he was dreaming about was only in novels
• "I bet you have a lot of shoes..."
• "How is [dating website] treating you?"..."I've been on it for about two years"

Takeaway: Run away! Run away! (Thank God this guy does not know my real name)

(1) The "Full disclosure element" is the piece of negative information that I provide in the event that something in my life is in direct contradiction with something in the guy's profile. In this case, he had specified that he hates boats

(2) In one of the most famous moments in Mommie Dearest, Joan Crawford discovers that one of her daughter's outfits has been hung up on a wire hanger, at which point she starts beating her daughter (with the wire hanger, of course) and screaming "No wire hangers." This is truly one of the worst all-time moments in film

(3) Private Eye or Private Detective